She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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