o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
