the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I have aggressive nipples.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
