trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
