just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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