And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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