I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
