My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
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im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
All I want is dick and wine.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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