I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
only you would photoshop your dick
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
