I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
