"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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