Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
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Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
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I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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