i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Edward fifth and chaser hands
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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