I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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