After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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