they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
