oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Randomize
