Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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