Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
