I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
