I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
