just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
