Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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