i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
