What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
