today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
pray to the hookup gods
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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