Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
