Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
