My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
