i think my mom watched the whole time
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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