At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
