Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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