you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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