Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
