i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
