so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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