she was so not down for the gang bang
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Vodka?
Forever.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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