Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
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I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
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I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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