I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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