the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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