Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Omg I joined a choir last night...
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Shame is for Republicans.
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