: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
