You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
