And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
