Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
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oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
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I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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