I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
