i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
