My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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