Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
