Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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