i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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