yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
