I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
