rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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